The clues were all there -- the biggest clue being that this was someone I met on THE BUS. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since I, too, was on the bus, and therefore there must occasionally be some normal people on the bus.
We chat, and when we get back to town he suggests we meet for a beer. I didn't have anything else to do, so I thought, what the hell, I'll just stay for a little while.
He proceeded to get maudlin-drunk on just two beers, and started telling me all these horrible stories. Like how his 7-years-older brother used to break his bones ON PURPOSE, including a compound fracture of his right leg, which of course he wanted me to feel. Then he starts telling me that his brother finally stopped doing this when he started doing it back. I'm thinking, "completely demented, but some kids are," but then he says, "so that was about five years ago," meaning that he and his brother were still beating the crap out of each other at ages 24 and 31, respectively!
His next heartwarming story is about the girl he was engaged to, who aborted their child and broke off the engagement one month before the wedding. By this point he's sobbing, I'm horrified to the point of speechlessness, and he decides to take offense and get nasty when I try to find something to say to express sympathy. Freaky, especially when I'm dealing with a guy who seems to think that breaking his brother's arm is an appropriate response to an adult argument.
Oh, but wait -- apparently thinking that he's on a roll or that we are making an emotional connection or something, he next tells me about trying to save an entire family whose car has fallen into a frozen lake. After his psycho-brother has saved the mother, he goes down to save two kids and finally the baby, who dies in his arms from being in the lake too long, and he blacks out and wakes up in the hospital with a bunch of broken ribs from psycho-brother trying to restart his heart, since he almost died too. Now he's crying really hard, and tells me that he goes to sleep every night still seeing the face of the baby he couldn't save. (Um, maybe some therapy is in order?)
Interspersed with these charming stories were moments where he took great offense at my saying "wow," or "oh my God," and he would shoot nastily back with, "Is that all you have to say?!?" And then there were the really random sexual comments, like when he asked me if I had dated anyone since my last big relationship. I said, "yeah, I've been on a few dates," and he says, "oh, so that's what we're calling it now, dates," implying that what he really wanted to know was if I had gotten LAID recently. And he managed to say this with a scary, drunken leer. Right after crying over dead babies.
When I finally decided that as fascinating as this car wreck was to watch I wanted to go home, he proceeds to tell me that he thinks he's too drunk to drive home, and to stare at me expectantly. My response? "Wow, that sucks. Good luck!" and I quickly bolted from the bar.
--Anna
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
What a Pig!
I had been dating a guy for a few weeks when he called me at work. I picked up the phone and said, "hello" only to hear pig snorting noises on the other side. I didn't know who it was, and so I hung up the phone. He called right back and admitted it was him, but never gave any explanation as to why he was snorting.
I should have known something was weird with this guy right then, but I kind of ignored it. But the animal noise thing continued. He started leaving messages with just barking or meowing on them. No explanation. I only called him back if he left me a real voice message, since I didn't want to encourage this odd behavior. But it continued.
Then he started doing it in person too. I realized that any time I brought up any subject which made him uncomfortable he'd "change the subject" by imitating some animal. But in general he was a good guy, and I enjoyed his company, so I tried to ignore this weird trait which he seemed to think I'd find endearing.
This culminated about two months into the relationship when I asked him if he'd like for us to be dating exclusively.
"Moo!" He said. "Moo! Moo!"
"I guess not." I said.
And that was the end of that relationship.
--Ann
I should have known something was weird with this guy right then, but I kind of ignored it. But the animal noise thing continued. He started leaving messages with just barking or meowing on them. No explanation. I only called him back if he left me a real voice message, since I didn't want to encourage this odd behavior. But it continued.
Then he started doing it in person too. I realized that any time I brought up any subject which made him uncomfortable he'd "change the subject" by imitating some animal. But in general he was a good guy, and I enjoyed his company, so I tried to ignore this weird trait which he seemed to think I'd find endearing.
This culminated about two months into the relationship when I asked him if he'd like for us to be dating exclusively.
"Moo!" He said. "Moo! Moo!"
"I guess not." I said.
And that was the end of that relationship.
--Ann
Temptations of the Flesh
A nice guy paid for my tickets into a local ball game, and, after I had written to reimburse him, he asked me if I wanted to go out. I wasn't particularly attracted to him, but he'd done me a favor and I figured a night out couldn't hurt. He made a point of telling me over the phone that he was Christian, which I was okay with. I didn't realize just how into his faith he was, however, until we got into his car (which was so old it had a button ignition!) and he popped a tape of ancient hymns on the stereo . . .
So, we went to the beach listening to Georgic chants. Once we were there, he began talking about how dedicated he was to his faith and about how he didn't want a girlfriend, as he was planning on joining a monastery as soon as his SON turned eighteen -- more things I didn't know about.
Finally I asked him, "If you don't want a girlfriend, why did you ask me out?"
He confessed he thought that having female friends would benefit him in his "quest" and that I would be perfect for helping him resist "the temptations of the flesh," as he put it. That was about it for me, I had him take me home. Now when a guy says he's Christian, I try to make sure what he's interested in before I go out with him. . .
--Name Withheld
So, we went to the beach listening to Georgic chants. Once we were there, he began talking about how dedicated he was to his faith and about how he didn't want a girlfriend, as he was planning on joining a monastery as soon as his SON turned eighteen -- more things I didn't know about.
Finally I asked him, "If you don't want a girlfriend, why did you ask me out?"
He confessed he thought that having female friends would benefit him in his "quest" and that I would be perfect for helping him resist "the temptations of the flesh," as he put it. That was about it for me, I had him take me home. Now when a guy says he's Christian, I try to make sure what he's interested in before I go out with him. . .
--Name Withheld
Police Action
My dating disaster dates back a Zillion years: my graduation party. I ended up with the man of my dreams in the back of my Volkswagen beetle. He was wearing whatever; I was wearing my left boot. The latter had gotten stuck under the drivers seat with my foot in it -- don't ask me why -- and I was trying to free myself, giggling hysterically, when the door of my car opened and a cop jovially said "Goooood Morning!!"
I jumped, kicked out, and knocked the driver's seat of the rail. Meanwhile the cop was heaving the time of his life, as I was naked AND spreadeagled, pinned under the seat. My friend was grinning, as he miraculously was wearing all his clothes and was only slightly disarrayed.
It took us ten minutes to convince the cop to leave, and another twenty minutes to get the seat back on the track. . .
--Kate
I jumped, kicked out, and knocked the driver's seat of the rail. Meanwhile the cop was heaving the time of his life, as I was naked AND spreadeagled, pinned under the seat. My friend was grinning, as he miraculously was wearing all his clothes and was only slightly disarrayed.
It took us ten minutes to convince the cop to leave, and another twenty minutes to get the seat back on the track. . .
--Kate
Dating Officer Friendly
I am a law enforcement officer. So, I don't take much nonsense from men. So I knew it was bad news when I agreed to go out for a date with a guy I met... on the job. Actually, on the job as I arrested him! As if that's not ominous enough, he was arrested by me . . . for indecent exposure.
It is a very small town, and I have known this guy by name for a while, so I really felt obliged to take him up on the offer. We met at a local diner two days after I nabbed him. One of the first things that suggested he was a little kooky was that he was wearing a clown suit. I asked him why and he said it was because he was working at a party. But this was totally false, I later learned, he had just worn it because he was too broke to get any other clothes after we released him. He had gone straight to the Salvation Army in his county jail suit and the clown costume was all they could offer him.
The next thing I realized was crazed was that he ordered 2 dinners, at the same time. At this point I seriously questioned if he had any money to pay... I asked, not to be rude, and he just opened his mouth and told me his gold fillings were worth at least 34 bucks.
I had gotten about enough, and I was ready to leave cash on the table and run out when I realized he had defecated in my food while I was in the restroom. Really. This was certainly grounds for arrest. I stood up and told him that the date was over and he was to address me not by my first name but as an officer.
A disastrous date, yes, but another criminal off the streets.
--Name Withheld
It is a very small town, and I have known this guy by name for a while, so I really felt obliged to take him up on the offer. We met at a local diner two days after I nabbed him. One of the first things that suggested he was a little kooky was that he was wearing a clown suit. I asked him why and he said it was because he was working at a party. But this was totally false, I later learned, he had just worn it because he was too broke to get any other clothes after we released him. He had gone straight to the Salvation Army in his county jail suit and the clown costume was all they could offer him.
The next thing I realized was crazed was that he ordered 2 dinners, at the same time. At this point I seriously questioned if he had any money to pay... I asked, not to be rude, and he just opened his mouth and told me his gold fillings were worth at least 34 bucks.
I had gotten about enough, and I was ready to leave cash on the table and run out when I realized he had defecated in my food while I was in the restroom. Really. This was certainly grounds for arrest. I stood up and told him that the date was over and he was to address me not by my first name but as an officer.
A disastrous date, yes, but another criminal off the streets.
--Name Withheld
Kid Stuff
I met a guy online, and we decided to meet so we made a date at a nearby theater. Besides that fact that his picture looked NOTHING like him. . . he was odd. Reminded me of the guy in the movie Sling Blade.
So, we go into the movie, sitting near the back. He talked the WHOLE time. About 30 minutes into it, he leans over and says, "So, you wanna have kids, right?" And he wasn't even attempting to whisper. I just nodded. So then he wants to know if I want them "at this age, like, real soon."
I spent the whole rest of the movie thinking of ways to get in my car without his touching me. It was awful. Luckily, I got away with just a handshake. Never again. . .
--Name Withheld
So, we go into the movie, sitting near the back. He talked the WHOLE time. About 30 minutes into it, he leans over and says, "So, you wanna have kids, right?" And he wasn't even attempting to whisper. I just nodded. So then he wants to know if I want them "at this age, like, real soon."
I spent the whole rest of the movie thinking of ways to get in my car without his touching me. It was awful. Luckily, I got away with just a handshake. Never again. . .
--Name Withheld
Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
The neighbor who lived in the apartment behind me had been lurking around my place for weeks, trying to get me to go out for a drink with him. Finally, I relented. I mean, the guy seemed normal: was a cyclist, worked as an animal specialist at the zoo, was pretty cute... Plus, I hadn't dated since I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago and it was time to get back out there. I figured, what could possibly go wrong?
I walked over to his apartment before the date, and he asked me if I would mind driving, since he'd just had a couple of beers. He didn't seem soused or anything, but I though that was pretty responsible of him.
So, we went to dinner, chatted for a while, and generally had a nice time. During the conversation, he confessed that for the last few years he'd been suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and hadn't gone out much socially because he simply didn't have the energy. He'd really been looking forward to going out with me, and getting reintroduced to social life. The telling of this painful story required consumption of another 2 or 3 beers.
After dinner, we went to a club to dance and listen to music. He downed still more beer, and later whispered to me conspiratorially, "Want a Valium? I brought extras!" I politely refused, but he insisted, so I smiled and slipped it into my pocket saying, "I'll take it later."
After a while he started to look a little green, so I suggest that we step outside for some air. He agreed and grabbed my hand and headed for the door. Just as he pushed the outside door open with his free hand, he passed out stone cold and fell forward onto the bouncer like a ton of bricks, dragging me forward with the vise-like grip of his other hand!
The bouncer managed to lay him down on the ground and pry his hand off of my wrist. A guest who was an off duty paramedic checked him out and suggested that we call an ambulance. We were close enough to the hospital that I decided to drive him myself, so I pulled up the car and they poured him into the passenger seat. He came to a few seconds later and protested madly when I told him that we were en route to the ER.
He said that he just needed to sleep it off, and that I should take him home. I reluctantly agreed, but told him that I would just wait with him for awhile, feed him coffee and make sure he didn't expire or something! Finally I got him home, hauled him up the stairs, plunked him down on the couch and took a good look at the place where this character lived.
Now picture this: at least 13 tropical birds flying all over the place, crapping on the furniture and squawking like crazy; a sink containing at least a month's worth of dirty dishes; and two recycling bins -- one full of Mountain Dew cans, and the other full of empty Schaefer's beer cans. I perched on the arm of a chair and talked to him for about an hour, until I was convinced that he wasn't going to die, and then gathered myself to go home.
It was at that moment that he moved toward me, licked his lips, and said the unthinkable: "Gosh, I was hoping that you would spend the night. We were hitting it off so well..."
Can I pick them or what????
-- Julie
I walked over to his apartment before the date, and he asked me if I would mind driving, since he'd just had a couple of beers. He didn't seem soused or anything, but I though that was pretty responsible of him.
So, we went to dinner, chatted for a while, and generally had a nice time. During the conversation, he confessed that for the last few years he'd been suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and hadn't gone out much socially because he simply didn't have the energy. He'd really been looking forward to going out with me, and getting reintroduced to social life. The telling of this painful story required consumption of another 2 or 3 beers.
After dinner, we went to a club to dance and listen to music. He downed still more beer, and later whispered to me conspiratorially, "Want a Valium? I brought extras!" I politely refused, but he insisted, so I smiled and slipped it into my pocket saying, "I'll take it later."
After a while he started to look a little green, so I suggest that we step outside for some air. He agreed and grabbed my hand and headed for the door. Just as he pushed the outside door open with his free hand, he passed out stone cold and fell forward onto the bouncer like a ton of bricks, dragging me forward with the vise-like grip of his other hand!
The bouncer managed to lay him down on the ground and pry his hand off of my wrist. A guest who was an off duty paramedic checked him out and suggested that we call an ambulance. We were close enough to the hospital that I decided to drive him myself, so I pulled up the car and they poured him into the passenger seat. He came to a few seconds later and protested madly when I told him that we were en route to the ER.
He said that he just needed to sleep it off, and that I should take him home. I reluctantly agreed, but told him that I would just wait with him for awhile, feed him coffee and make sure he didn't expire or something! Finally I got him home, hauled him up the stairs, plunked him down on the couch and took a good look at the place where this character lived.
Now picture this: at least 13 tropical birds flying all over the place, crapping on the furniture and squawking like crazy; a sink containing at least a month's worth of dirty dishes; and two recycling bins -- one full of Mountain Dew cans, and the other full of empty Schaefer's beer cans. I perched on the arm of a chair and talked to him for about an hour, until I was convinced that he wasn't going to die, and then gathered myself to go home.
It was at that moment that he moved toward me, licked his lips, and said the unthinkable: "Gosh, I was hoping that you would spend the night. We were hitting it off so well..."
Can I pick them or what????
-- Julie
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