Sunday, July 13, 2008

When Your Date Needs Prozac

I went to a very nice steak house with a man I met at the movies. Conversation started out light, but then something seemed to make him sad, and I couldn't imagine what it was. The only bad thing that had happened on our date was that our waitress spilled a little glass of water. He started talking about how difficult his childhood was, making dark elliptical statements and calling his mother "cruel." All of this from a 50-year-old man! Then, after bragging about "finally getting his parents into therapy," my date started asking how I survived my husband's death. Before I knew it, I was in tears.

It was already the most depressing date of my life, and then the waitress brought the check. My gloomy date took one look and said, "I believe in equality. Let's split the bill." No longer depressing, the night was downright horrid.

--submitted by Louise

The Date That Wouldn't End

Much to my surprise, we had a terrible ice storm in Kentucky a few years ago. Right before the bad weather started (literally), I went out with this guy from a town about 35 miles away. It was our first date and I didn't think it was going very well, so I was surprised when he invited me to his apartment to watch movies afterward. I agreed, thinking, "It couldn't get any worse, right?"

Boy, was I wrong! After just one movie, I decided it was time to go home. I called my mother to pick me up, and she informed me that I couldn't leave. When I asked why, she told me to look out the window. There was at least four inches of ice on everything!

As it turned out, I was stuck there for a full week until the roads were safe again. Not only that, but my date had a twin brother who lived with him who showed up about one hour after I talked to my mom. The date from hell became the week from hell -- plus I was double-teamed by misery!

--submitted by lilgalbrat

Rescuing a Fellow Dater in Need

I always date men who are older. Unfortunately, my friends disapprove of this, so one time they set me up with a "guy my own age." But all this supposedly mature date could talk about was how special he was, how many women he had "tamed" (no joke) and how much money he made. After two hours I ended up calling a friend for a ride home.

Two weeks later, I saw the same guy having dinner in a restaurant with another woman. He was wearing the same suit, the same fake gold chains, and his new date looked as bored as I had been on our date! Even though I didn't know her, I had to rescue her. So I marched to their table, took her hand and told her I missed hanging out with her. Then, I asked if she wanted to leave with me! When she said she missed me too, the look on his face was priceless. The best part is that woman and I are still good friends, 15 years later.

--submitted by Sheri

When He Tries to Pay for Play

When I worked at a law firm, I had a crush on one of the attorneys. After four months, he asked me to dinner. We went to a nice restaurant, and our conversation was so great that by the time the check came we were still engrossed in talking. But, I soon found out we had different things on our mind. When the bill came, he said, "I gotta tell you -- I only pick up the tab if it's a sure thing for later." I was stunned. Finally I said, "If that's the case, please excuse me while I freshen up"

"I knew you were a no-nonsense girl," he said. I headed toward the bathroom and kept walking right out the back exit. (Thankfully, I had driven.)

--submitted by jamieclay

Waitress to the Rescue

After meeting what seemed to be "the perfect gentleman" online, I agreed to go to dinner with him.

He was already waiting for me when I arrived. Once we were seated, things got a little, uh, gross. Not only did he pick his nose at the table, but he also sucked his teeth. As if bad manners weren't enough, he also had a finger missing and insisted on telling me the gruesome details of how he lost it. Just as he got to the part about "blood shooting out," I excused myself to the ladies room. The biggest surprise was what happened next. One of the waitresses came in and asked me if I was okay. She said that she had overheard some of our conversation and volunteered to concoct an "emergency" phone call for me. After the details were outlined, I returned to the table and shortly thereafter, the waitress came over and did her thing. I left without so much as a look back. It was the absolute worst date that I have ever had!

--submitted by redeemed

Cheap and Dumb

So, this guy that I've been dying to go out with finally asks me to a movie. We go to the theater, wait in line, and, when it was our turn, he goes up to the booth to buy (what I thought were) our tickets. Imagine my surprise, when he came back and said, "Okay, you can go get yours now." What? Are you kidding me? Fortunately, I had the good sense to stop by the ATM on the way to meet this guy. You know, in case I needed it for an emergency. This was an emergency. Then, just as the flick was starting, he said that he was going to get popcorn and a drink. After about 10 minutes, I looked down from the screen and saw a familiar head sitting a few rows in front of me. It was him. He had come back to the wrong row! It was bad enough to be sitting there in the dark, watching him look around for me, but when I saw that he'd only returned with one popcorn and one drink, I got up and walked out.

--submitted by Charlene

The Cocky, Arrogant Type

My girlfriend begged me to go on a double date because the guy she wanted to go out with had some sort of commitment with his buddy that night. They met us at a restaurant. I disliked my date instantly. He was gorgeous, but not in a good way. He had that snide, cocky look -- and attitude. For the sake of my friend (because she really liked the other guy), I was polite and nice. My friend and I took one trip to the ladies room together and I told her that after dinner I'd go for one drink, but then I was out of there. Then, before coffee, my date leaned over to me and said quietly," Do you have your own place or do I have to get us a room?" I gave him a small, sweet smile, excused myself to the ladies room and continued walking right out to the parking lot. I called my friend on her cell phone with my apologies!

--submitted by nancyflorida

Never Trust Your Grandmother's Friend

I was set up with a "nice guy" through my grandmother's friend. On the phone we talked for a while, before deciding to go to the beach together. He picked me up, and we drove there. When we paid to park, he asked the attendant for directions to the nude beach -- and winked at me. I thought he was joking, but it turned out he wasn't. I chose a place as far away from anybody else as possible. He stripped nude right away, cracking jokes the whole time. I could not look in his direction the entire time! By lunchtime I'd had enough and made a weak excuse to get back home after lunch. Unfortunately, he decided to take the "scenic route." It was a beautiful drive, but he ruined it by telling me about his many sexual partners (which made me want to throw up) and their exploits! After an hour, I said I was through listening, and that I didn't care much for him.

When he dropped me off, a block away since my building would be too far out of the way for him (an entire block), he said he never wanted to hear from me again. No problem, I thought. So, I'm thinking that this is over, right? I get a call about half an hour later from him, saying that I am really a gorgeous girl, and we should see each other again. At that point I lost it. I went off on him. He says to me, "Now that you're mad at me, we should have make-up sex!" And he was completely serious! I hung up.

--submitted by Heather

The Zoo, the Teddy Bear and the Thong

I was going out with a person who I had wanted to go out with for over a year. We picked the zoo in Edinburgh. I wore a nice blouse and my pretty lavender skirt that goes so well with my bright red hair. My favorite skirt length is rather short, about mid-thigh. And I always wear thong panties.

Things were going well. He even mentioned that he wanted to see a lot more of me. It was at that moment, with a teddy bear in one arm and cotton candy in my other, the elastic on my skirt snapped and my skirt slid to a heap around my feet. Of course we were in the most crowded place in the zoo. I handed him my bear and cotton candy and, with everyone watching, bent down and pulled up my skirt. Someone came to my rescue with a safety pin and as I pinned it back up I said to him: "Well, you said you wanted to see a lot more of me." Embarrassed as I was, we saw the rest of the zoo and finished our date.

--submitted by Janel

When a Little One Slips Out

When I was in high school, the quarterback of our football team asked me out on a date. We decided to go to a movie, so we went to McDonald's beforehand. We were sitting there eating on the same seat (how romantic) and we were telling each other jokes.

Well, he told me this one joke that had me laughing so hard that I farted. I was so embarrassed but tried to play it off by saying, ''Damn shoe.'' We continued to eat and I thought I was in the clear when all of a sudden he put his hands over his face and started laughing so hard he was crying. When I asked him what was so funny, he said, ''I keep thinking about how funny it was to feel the seat vibrate when you farted.''

-- submitted by paredneckgrl

Excuse Me?

My blind lunch date started out a little rocky. First of all, he took me to Au Bon Pain (not only was it a sandwich joint, but it was a chain sandwich joint -- oh, the horror). Anyway, we were standing in the line and I started trying to tell him a story, but he kept interrupting me saying, ''Excuse me?'' At first I repeated what I had just said, but after a while it started getting annoying. There wasn't any background noise so it seemed like he just wasn't paying attention. I was so irritated by the last time he said it that I finally blurted out, ''What, do you need a hearing aid?'' Right then he pulled a hearing aid out of his ear and said sarcastically, ''Yeah, well maybe my battery is running low.'' I apologized, then slunk away from the table as only the most mortified girl on the planet could.

--submitted by kmcatacutan

When Anything That Can Go Wrong Does

My nightmare began when I met this really nice guy in an online dating chat room. After several emails, photo exchanges and telephone conversations, we decided to meet for dinner when he came to town on business.

Since he didn't know his way around, I volunteered to pick him up at the hotel. Things were going fine until I lost my sense of direction and made a wrong turn. Then, instead of going to the restaurant as planned, I wound up giving us a driving tour of the seediest area you can imagine. Also, it was 95 degrees and very humid, and I didn't have air conditioning. When I finally got us back on track toward the restaurant, it started pouring down rain. Pouring. Then all of the windows started to steam up, so we had to roll everything up and turn on the defroster. Finally the windows started to defog. That's when I tried to stop at a stoplight -- and my truck spun out of control. The only object in our path was a tree. When I saw it coming at me in slow motion, my entire life began to pass before my eyes. I was yelling, ''Stop, car, stop!'' but it didn't work. We hit the tree and I was speechless. My date asked me, ''Are you okay?'' four times, but I couldn't answer. I was in shock! Being the very nice and honorable man that he is, he got out to assess the damage. When we discovered that I only had a slightly bent fender and a broken headlight, I started laughing hysterically. I mean, finally, I meet the man of my dreams, and I run us into a tree!

He promised that he'd drive next time.

--submitted by Marianne

A Really Wrong Number

I received a wrong-number phone call one night, and instead of hanging up, he started talking to me. After about a week's worth of phone calls, and him begging to take me out, I finally agreed. He came and picked me up after he got off work one day, and instead of him taking me out, he took me back to his place. Not only was this totally uncomfortable, but he turned out to be one of the rudest guys I've ever met. I must have asked him about 10 times to keep his hands off of me. Luckily he had to work early the next morning so I suggested he take me home early. I thought that if I just kept the conversation going, so there was no uncomfortable silence, things would be fine -- wrong. We get halfway to my place and he starts saying how he thinks he might run out of gas. Well most people would just fill up, but then he goes on to say that he's maxed out two gas cards, and has no money because he paid all his bills with it. Just so I would could get home and end the nightmare, I say, "Just go and I'll give you money so you can get me home and back." He offered to "take me out again" so he could pay me back, but I kindly refused. The only thing I wanted back was the three hours I was with him.

--submitted by Trena

Date of a Salesman

My mother set me up with this guy, and we went out for dinner. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had a master's degree and was well employed with a local computer firm. By the time dinner was over, I had a pretty good feeling. Suddenly, he reached into his briefcase and said he wanted to ask me something as he pulled out a stack of catalogs. Apparently, his side job was selling blouses and skirts, and he wanted to take every opportunity to make a sale.

--submitted by radha


My worst date was the first that I went on with a 45-year-old, never-been-married lawyer in New York City. It was the first time I'd ever been to his apartment, and everything was going along just fine -- at first. We were sitting and talking when he whipped out a photo album. I'm thinking family pictures? Vacation snapshots? I should be so lucky! He had actually created an entire book that was devoted to photos of his ex-girlfriends. Talk about show and tell! The "show" was obviously page after page of women, but it was the "tell" part that really got me. Hearing him say, "I only date beautiful women," was just too much. I mean, how does a man get to be that age without maturing at all?

--submitted by Marie

When He Insists on Feeding You

I met a really cute, nice guy in a bar. We agreed to have dinner the following night. He told me we were going to a very lavish, expensive dinner and said I should dress my absolute best. I was so excited I went out and spent a small fortune on a new dress and shoes. I needn't have bothered: He took me to Bennigans! (For those of you who don't have Bennigans nearby, it's a chain like T.G.I. Fridays and Applebees.) It's not a bad place at all, but this guy told me we were going to a five-star restaurant! He showed up wearing an outfit that looked slept in. Believe it or not, the evening got much worse. When my dinner arrived, the meat was so tough he had to cut it up for me. Then, he insisted that he feed it to me. As he did, he made airplane noises! The other diners were staring -- it was a scene. Needless to say, my appetite diminished quickly. The guy called for at least a year afterward and couldn't understand why I wouldn't return his calls.

--submitted by drays_girl

When Dinner Includes Salad, Fries and Sex

I was at a party, met a pretty nice guy and agreed to go out with him. A few days later he picked me up, and we went out to dinner and to a movie. Nothing fancy -- total cost for both of us for everything would have been around 50 dollars. It was a fabulous date. He was funny, smart, charming and acted like a real gentleman. That is, until later. He dropped me off back at my place and asked if he could come in. I said no, and told him I needed to get to sleep so I could get to work at 7:30 the next morning. He put his hand on the door, keeping me from opening it, and said -- with no trace of irony -- "but I bought you dinner." Needless to say, I was dumbfounded. I dug in my pocket, handed him 20 dollars and said, "Now we're even."

--submitted by simijo

The Three Second Date

I was new to Internet dating, and I had just started talking to a few guys by email. This one guy started emailing me more and more frequently, then sent me a couple of photos of himself. When he started to bug me about me sending photos of myself, I should have known this wasn't the one ...

I never did send photos of myself, but we kept talking and even exchanged phone numbers. (If I remember correctly, I was the one who had to call him!) Anyway, we talked on the phone and throughout the conversation he kept asking me what I looked like. I tried to describe myself to him and must have sounded okay because he asked me if I wanted to see a movie together that Friday. For some reason I ignored the red flag that was being waved in front of my face and said, "Yes."

I was a little nervous that day, but also kind of excited. That night, he showed up at my house and rang the doorbell. I answered the door and greeted him (since this was technically our first time meeting each other), but as I turned to grab my purse, my "date" stopped me. He said, "I really don't think that this is going to work out. Sorry." Then he left!

I didn't know what to say. I was in shock, I guess. I just went back in my house, dazed because this total jerk only cared about my appearance. Then I reported him to the Website. From the response I got back, it was apparent that he had done this to more women than just me. I can't imagine what he was thinking, but here's a word of advice for everyone: What counts is the beauty that you bring to others.

--submitted by libby136

Attack of the Fanny Pack

This date went from bad to worse, very quickly. Our plan was to get a cup of coffee after work. He picked me up at my house, only to say that he needed to go to his place to change clothes. The entire drive over to his house he kept trying to sell me his car! Then, when we got to his house, he opened his truck and proceeded to hand me heavy pieces of an entertainment center and asked me to carry them into his house -- as if I were hired help. Then, just when I thought the date couldn't possibly get any worse, he changed clothes. He changed from perfectly acceptable slacks and a button down shirt to frosted blue jean cut-off shorts, high tops, a white T-shirt with a big American flag across the front, a Twins baseball cap and a black leather fanny pack. And then it got even worse! At the coffee shop he kept saying that he wanted to climb in my hair like Rapunzel's. After one cup of decaf coffee, I had to leave. And to top off the whole evening -- he let me pay the bill.

--submitted by Jeni

The Date That Vomited

I had a date with this guy I had been seeing for about a month. I was really excited about him, and really looking forward to our evening. We had plans to see a movie, but when I went to meet him at his apartment, he looked really sick. He admitted to feeling a little queasy. I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry! I'll leave." He told me he would be fine, so I said, "Let's not go to the movie ... I'll make you some soup." I finally got him to agree to skip the movie, and we watched TV on the couch. He looked progressively worse and I told him I would leave because he was obviously sick. He said, "You know what would make me feel a lot better? A kiss." I figured, what the hey, right? We had been dating a while. I kiss him, and one thing led to another ... and we're suddenly in this hot and heavy make-out sesh. Suddenly, he convulses, and barfs -- right into my mouth! I know it wasn't his fault, but it was so awful!

--submitted by Madeleine

A Real Shallow Hal

I had been looking around online for a date, and a seemingly wonderful guy from Arkansas emailed me. He asked to see some photos of me, so I used my sister?s scanner and scanned some surprisingly good pictures of my face. He saw my pictures and proclaimed me beautiful, even though I told him I was a bit heavy. I'm not overwhelmingly fat, but I'm heavy and I even told him I wear a size 16/18. He said he didn't care. We finally spoke on the phone and set up a date. He agreed to come to my house, where I was spending time with my daughter and mother. When he arrived, he took a few pictures of my daughter and me, and seemed to have a good time. He left with a hug and a smile, and I thought it all was okay-- until I read my email the next day. He called me a fat, lying little thing and accused me of altering my picture to make myself look good! He went on to say that he didn't date fat women and that I wasn't to be trusted. I replied and told him what I thought of him! A few months later, using a picture the jerk had taken, I met my darling husband-to-be and have been very happy ever since!

--submitted by Rachel

Talk to the Hand

My date from hell started on a blind date with another couple. The three of them decided that the four of us would see the movie Alien 3. I had no interest in this movie and I had never seen the other Alien movies. The four of us get our seats and are practically the only ones in the movie theater. My date tried to explain the whole premise of the Alien series to me before the movie started. Soon after the movie starts, I hear my date muttering. Not looking at him, I leaned closer to him and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Can you repeat it?" He declined. About 20 minutes later, he's muttering again. I asked him to repeat it. He declines again. Ten minutes later, he mutters something again. I turned this time and asked him what he said. "Nothing," he said. "I wasn't talking to you." I looked around to see whom he was talking to. I see no one sitting around us. Ten minutes later, the muttering starts again. I turn and look at him and I see him -- for real -- talking to his hand! I couldn't believe it! This lunatic guy was talking to his hand as if it was a person! I suffered through the rest of the movie, but insisted on being driven home as soon as it was over. The hand-talking freak actually asked to see me again! What nerve! I shot him down real fast, hurried in to the safety of my parents' home and promptly took a shower to try to wipe off the creepy vibe of the evening.

--submitted by Diana

My Date with a Vampire

I met this guy through a matchmaking service, and after talking to him a few times, I thought, wow, what a great guy. When we met for dinner, it still seemed to be going well until I ordered red wine. He mentioned that he liked red wine, so I figured, awesome, something else in common. Well, come to find out he didn't enjoy it the same way I did. He liked it for its symbolism. Turns out that he thinks he was a vampire in a past life. He told me he had enamel fangs custom-made and that he liked the red wine because it reminded him of blood. Lets just say we never made it past the appetizer.

--submitted by karma9217

A rude, drunk pothead

I'm a hostess at a nice restaurant in Los Angeles and met what I thought was a nice and attractive guy last year. So I made a date with him. The drive to the restaurant went fairly well. But, as soon as we got to the restaurant, he was very rude to the host and then equally rude to the waiters. That is a big turn-off for me, not to mention very embarrassing -- but I let it slide. We sat at the bar before we got our table and he guzzled two martinis before we even sat down. During dinner he kept leaving the table to "smoke." I found out later that he was smoking pot! Then the date got worse. He continued to gulp down his drinks and get very, very loud. Then, he proceeded to flirt with a woman at the other table. He mocked everything I said. For example, he said I looked nice and then demanded to know who bought my clothes for me. When I mentioned that I was working on a documentary, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, right ... you?" The capper of the evening was when he asked me if I'd like a "poke." I thought I had heard wrong, so I said, "Excuse me?" He repeated his request and then said he'd pay me for it! This was beyond insulting, so I left to see if there was a window in the ladies room by which I could escape. No such luck. When got back, however, he was off on one of his "smoke breaks," so I had time to plan a hasty exit. I ended up enlisting the help of some nice guys sitting next to our table. One of them kept watch while the other one helped me get a cab home. Can you believe he called me the next day? As you can imagine, there was no second date.

--submitted by Diana

Say It's Snot So

I had this crush on a really hot guy when I was in college a year ago. When he finally asked me out for a date, I was so thrilled! Our first date went so well he asked me out for a second one. Instead of dinner and a movie, like on our first date, we had an order-out of my favorite food -- Chinese -- and relaxed on a picnic blanket near the runway of a little airport.

We watched the planes land and leave and gazed at the stars above between flights. It was so romantic. Then, he started to tell jokes, and I was laughing really hard. But this one time when he got to his punch line I busted out a big laugh, and to my amazement, with it came a sudden stream of mucus from my left nostril! I realized it was snot and inhaled it back up into my nose as quickly as it had come out! I was so embarrassed; all I could do was hold my hands over my face. I wished that the "ground god" would open the passageway to his throne and the earth would just swallow me in. Then my date said, "Oh, it's okay. It happens." Then he quickly changed the subject.

We ended up together, and for two years now he has never brought it.

--submitted by sweet_t

What's Worse Than a Fly in Your Soup?

I was out with a tall, dark and handsome dinner date. Conversation was going great, and he was looking so hot that by the time drinks and appetizers were through I was fantasizing about our life together.

Then our main course came, with a big loud fly buzzing around the garnish. The next thing I knew, my dreamy date took his fork out of his mouth, smashed the poor thing to the plate and wiped up the mess with his finger. After that he continued eating as if nothing had happened. He used the fork too! It was so gross. The next time he called me, I squashed him!

--submitted by Janine

Fake Hair Flying

"A nerdy guy walks into a pub, and ..." This is not the beginning of a joke. It's my dating history. Last time it happened, I was on a blind date. He sat down with me at the bar, and the first thing I noticed was his standout toupee. Then, mid-boring-conversation, he let out a giant sneeze, and the piece fell right off his head onto the bar. With one stroke he plopped it back on his head, but I had to swivel my stool away just to keep composed. A group at the other end of the bar was already cracking up. Poor guy!

--submitted by Linda

When Puppy Love Gets Old

I met at a cute guy at the dog park. We chatted for a while and exchanged numbers. A few days later he called and asked me go to the beach with him and our dogs. I loved the idea -- a low-key, no-pressure date.

We drove to the beach, laid out a blanket and munched on snacks. Our dogs played in the ocean and we tossed a football around. Sounds fun, right? It was -- until my date caught me off guard with a sloppy wet kiss. Dogs might not know better, but people are another story, you know?

I put the kiss out of my mind and relaxed during our ride back. Then all of a sudden, my date's dog threw up on the back seat. I felt sorry for the poor pooch until he followed it up by climbing into my lap and peeing! I could have gotten over one bad kiss, but after that mess I couldn't bring myself to go out with dog-guy again.

--submitted by nkrammer

A Flatulent Man Is Not for Me

I was really looking forward to a date with this great looking guy who had a terrific personality. When we finally hooked up, it was to go to a mutual friend's wedding -- a very romantic first date. It was amazing. He rented a limo and showed up looking fabulous in a navy blue Armani suit. We took our seats in the third pew just as the wedding started. The ceremony was beautiful, but just as the church became silent and the bride was about to say, "I do", my gorgeous date let out the biggest, loudest (brace yourself) fart in the world! To make matters worse, I jumped so high and had such a look of shock on my face that everyone assumed it was me! At that point, all I could do was excuse myself to the bathroom, hail a cab and split. Gorgeous or not, a flatulent man is not for me.

--submitted by nmallvr

Use Floss!

I agreed to go out with the manager at my bank. He seemed very sweet and had given me all kinds of free breaks on my account. We went out to dinner, and everything was really great. Afterwards, we went back to my apartment and he asked if he could use my bathroom. Of course I said yes. When he came out, he said the words that will forever echo in my memory: "I hope you don't mind, but I used your toothbrush." Then he went on to explain that there was something stuck in the back of his gums. I was horrified! At first, I thought he was kidding, but, nope, he wasn't. I never went out with him again, but I still get free checking. I didn't know it would cost me a toothbrush though.

--submitted by kimberly71

The Date That Purred

I picked my date up at his apartment and we went to the movies. Afterward, we played pool. Okay so far. Then I drove him home, and he asked whether I wanted to come up and have just one drink and "talk." My gut said don't go, but I accepted anyway. I decided that one drink couldn't hurt. Once in his apartment, he started showing me pictures from his college days. It was then I realized that he was about 20 years older than me.

Suddenly he decided he needed to "slip into something more comfortable" -- he even used those words! Because his apartment was so small, his bedroom was right in front of the couch, where I was sitting. He went in to change but didn't close the door. I was exposed to the sight of him taking off his shirt to change into ... A SILK SMOKING JACKET! The horror of seeing his bare, hairy back combined with the jacket made me want to spit out my beer. Amazingly, things got worse. He came out, sat on the couch next to me and proceeded to start rubbing his head on my shoulder. Then, he began purring (yes, purring) -- quite loudly. He then attempted to lick my ear. At that point, I jumped up and said that I had to go. I held in my laughter until I got to my car.

--submitted by amievp

If Dates Could Kill

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of three years when my Mom said that she knew someone perfect for me. So, I let her set it up.

Although the plan was to pick me up at my house at 8pm, he ended up calling at 8:15 to tell me that he was running late and it would be better if I met him at the Arby's down the road.

When I got there, I found him in the restaurant ordering food for himself. He said he assumed that I had eaten, which I hadn't. We decided to go to a movie (after he finished eating).

He ended up parking in front of an office building because we were early for the movie. Turned out to be his Dad's office, and he took me upstairs because he said it would be a comfortable place to talk.

After what seemed like hours (of him talking about himself), he got up and switched off the lights behind me. "What are you doing? Are we leaving?" I asked. "My eyes hurt, and we missed the movie," he said in the pitch dark. "You know ... no one knows your here, and this is an empty office building right now ..." He let the implication settle, then, very slowly said, "I could kill you right now if I wanted to, and probably get away with it!"

My feet didn't hit the floor as I ran out of there, all 18 floors down to the lobby and got myself a cab back to Arby's to pick up my car. What a creep!

--submitted by Cheryl

Where'd He Go?

My sister set me up on blind date with one of her coworkers. She assured me that he was good looking, which he was, and that he had a good sense of humor.

We set up a date to go see the movie War of the Roses. As the story unfolded I started to laugh at the things the couple were doing to each other. It really was funny. In the middle of the movie he turned to and asked me if, hypothetically, we were dating or married, would I behave like the characters in the movie during a fight or argument. I jokingly said that I would probably do worse.

I noticed he got very quiet through the rest of the movie. Our plan was to get bite to eat after the movie. But, on the street he said he saw someone he knew and told me he wanted to talk to them. He took off running to catch up with them. He never returned and I went home by myself.

--submitted by aarticqn

Two Is Company, an Ex-Wife Is a Crowd

I had been on a couple of dates with a very nice and sweet car salesman. On our third date, he confessed that he was divorced and had a son. I said that I didn't have a problem with it, but that I wished he had told me sooner. We had a date the next day to go bungee jumping. On my way to meet him, I got a call from him saying that he had his son with him because he wanted me to meet him. I said fine and headed over to the park.

When I got there, he told me his ex-wife would be coming along shortly with her boyfriend to pick up their son. Two hours later I'm hanging around an arcade holding one hand of the child, while his mother is holding the other. We were all hanging around like a big happy family. It was weird. I had a vision of three years down the road, seeing myself with this salesman as my husband, his son, his ex-wife and her new husband and their child all hanging around together!

--submitted by marlbrchick

Barking, Peeing and Drinking

I met this really nice guy through a friend. He took me, and two of our friends, to the movies. I soon learned he was a total drunk. He drank so much I lost count of how many drinks he had. He was acting ridiculous the entire time. When we were in line for the movie he must have said, "Oh, that's my ex-girlfriend," at least three times.

Once seated in the movies, he seemed to be under control. Then he started yelling at the audience. Actually it was more like barking. My friend kept telling me to kiss him just to keep him quiet. It was so embarrassing.

After he got done wearing himself out he fell asleep. And he snored! When the movie was done, we couldn't wake him up. Finally, he woke up, and immediately asked where the bathroom was. I offered to show him, but the next thing I knew he was peeing right in the middle of the theater. On the ride home he actually had the nerve to ask if he could stay the night. I simply looked at him and looked away.

--submitted by dezeraygir

He Whipped It Out!

I met a guy at a club downtown, and we exchanged phone numbers. We talked a few times and had very good conversations on the phone.

The first date went well. We went out to dinner and a movie and had a wonderful time. He was such a gentleman! He dropped me back off at my apartment, walked me to the door and gave me a goodnight hug.

The next date went a little differently. We decided to just stay at my place and have a little dinner and watch a movie. After dinner we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, and I look over next to me and see that he had whipped (continued below)

his thing out! I was shocked, but he looked as if he thought he did nothing wrong. I told him to leave, and he did so, but kept calling me. He could not seem to figure out why I refused to see him again!

--submitted by Jennifer

Not My Type

When a guy I met online asked me out, I suggested we each bring a friend along in order to make everyone feel more comfortable. He brought an adorable guy who was tall and blonde with blue eyes -- my friend was very pleased. As for me, I was confused. My date was strange-looking and awkward. I couldn't figure out what it was that was weird though. He just seemed odd. But I just couldn't put my finger on the problem. As soon as we had a minute alone, my friend filled me in on the secret. It turned out he was a she!

--submitted by Anonymous

When He Wants You for the Main Course

Four years ago an interesting man asked me out, but for some reason I said no. Then, last week, I was searching online personal ads and saw his picture! I couldn't remember why I turned him down, and I've been praying for a nice man to come into my life lately, so I thought it was fate.

I sent a quick email, and he wrote back instantly. Not only did he remember me, he also said he thought about me a lot. We met for coffee and it was nice. Then, the very next day, he invited over for dinner. Suddenly, I was nervous. I hadn't thought about him for four years, but he seemed to think we were a couple.

When I got to his house there was no food -- not a drink or chip in sight! He didn't even lead me to the dining room. Instead, we walked straight upstairs to a bedroom filled with candles, dim light and soft music. All I could think was that this romantic scene was too weird for a second date. So much for destiny. I should have gone with my first instinct.

--submitted by Lynne

The Mysterious Suitcase

When my date picked me up, I noticed an intriguing briefcase sandwiched between the seats in his car. I wondered about it because he was a city bus driver. What could he possibly need a business briefcase for? Religious work? Travel?

We pulled up to the movies a few minutes early, and he asked if he could kiss me. Since it was our second date and I thought it was so nice of him to ask I said sure. (The kiss was nice!) Then he said, "You know, we don't have to go to the movie. We could get to know each other better if we get a room somewhere." Stunned, I said, "No. I don't want to rush into anything. I like to take it slow."

"But I know you're wondering what's in here," he teased and put the briefcase on my lap. Even though I started to explain it was really none of my business and I would just rather go to the movies, he opened that baby up. It was filled with sex toys, gel, massaging oil and more things I can't even name! All that I could think to say was, "I really want to see this movie!" and ran out of the car.

--submitted by Mingan

Should You Kiss before Getting Naked?

I agreed to meet this blind date at a bar about halfway between our houses. When he got there I was impressed -- he was funny, friendly and nice looking. We seemed to be "clicking", and I was really excited to be having such a good date.

When it got to be pretty late, I said I needed to go home, and like a gentleman, he walked me to my car. We stood outside my car talking, and because it was so cold, I suggested we sit in my car to finish our conversation. We were talking about something going on across the street, so I turned to look out my window. When I turned around, my date had taken all of his clothes off!

When I finally regained my composure, I gave him a lecture about proper dating etiquette. I told him a guy shouldn't take his clothes off before he's even kissed his date. So then, he tried to kiss me! I told him to get his clothes on or I was going to call the police. He got mad, put on his clothes and got out of the car.

--submitted by tcave70

One Girlfriend Too Many

I went on a first date with a great guy. The date went really well. He seemed so polite and considerate. For example, we went to my favorite restaurant for dinner, then to a bar I love for drinks, and we even had courtside seats at a basketball game. Then came our second date.

At dinner, we were talking about an overseas trip he had taken recently, and how some of the men of that region were so rude to a woman with whom he was traveling. This made me think he had traveled on a tour, and so I asked what group he had gone with. He quickly and matter-of-factly responded, (continued below)

"With my girlfriend." I waited for him to add "at the time" or qualify her as an ex-girlfriend, but he didn't. He just sat there with a look on his face that said, "Oops, I wasn't supposed to say that." It was clear to both of us that the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, and that the date was very, very over.

--submitted by Kathleen

No Chemistry

My friend thought it would be fun to double-date, so she set me up with a buddy of her new boyfriend. The four of us made plans to go to a club. The night of our date, I was amazed -- this drop-dead gorgeous guy came to pick me up in a sports car! We went dancing and things were going great, except there was no chemistry between us. I played along anyway, and the four of us went out a few more times. But still no sparks. Finally, one night I blurted out, "What is the deal. We have no chemistry. Are you gay?" He looked straight at me and said, "As a matter of fact I am, and Paul (my friend's boyfriend) is my boyfriend. But don't tell."

--submitted by kikirn29

Why Do You Need to Be Spanked?

I dated a really nice man for about three months. He was tall and handsome and spoke with a Dallas accent that made me melt. I was living a dream -- until one night when he came over to pick me up for dinner. Something about him was different. He had a "cat that ate the canary" look on his face. We settled down on the couch with glasses of wine, and he said, "I have been a bad boy." I thought to myself, "No, he can't mean what I think he means." So I asked him what he was talking about. Wow, was I in for the shock of my life! He said, "I've been wearing these all day," stood up, (continued below)

dropped his pants and revealed a garter belt, stockings and ladies' panties! To top things off, he then said, "I need to be spanked." I was laughing so hard I couldn't get the door opened fast enough for him to leave!


Dinner with Pee-Wee

I had a recent dinner date with a seemingly intelligent, well-dressed computer professional at a local restaurant. The conversation dragged, but when I turned the subject to movies, he became animated, telling me about his love for the films Star Wars and Alien and so on. But the more he talked, the more hyper he became. His voice was getting higher and higher and louder and louder. So much so, that I actually noticed that others were having difficulty concentrating on their own conversations.

I was getting really nervous when, out of the blue (and in an

especially high-pitched tone), he blurted out, ''Do you like porno?'' Everyone stopped and stared in our direction. I shook my head ''no'' and tried to bury myself in my salad. He tried to regain his composure and then mumbled, ''I don't like porno either.''

Needless to say, I didn't go out with Pee-Wee again.

-- Name Withheld

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Never Cry on a First Date

The clues were all there -- the biggest clue being that this was someone I met on THE BUS. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since I, too, was on the bus, and therefore there must occasionally be some normal people on the bus.
We chat, and when we get back to town he suggests we meet for a beer. I didn't have anything else to do, so I thought, what the hell, I'll just stay for a little while.

He proceeded to get maudlin-drunk on just two beers, and started telling me all these horrible stories. Like how his 7-years-older brother used to break his bones ON PURPOSE, including a compound fracture of his right leg, which of course he wanted me to feel. Then he starts telling me that his brother finally stopped doing this when he started doing it back. I'm thinking, "completely demented, but some kids are," but then he says, "so that was about five years ago," meaning that he and his brother were still beating the crap out of each other at ages 24 and 31, respectively!

His next heartwarming story is about the girl he was engaged to, who aborted their child and broke off the engagement one month before the wedding. By this point he's sobbing, I'm horrified to the point of speechlessness, and he decides to take offense and get nasty when I try to find something to say to express sympathy. Freaky, especially when I'm dealing with a guy who seems to think that breaking his brother's arm is an appropriate response to an adult argument.

Oh, but wait -- apparently thinking that he's on a roll or that we are making an emotional connection or something, he next tells me about trying to save an entire family whose car has fallen into a frozen lake. After his psycho-brother has saved the mother, he goes down to save two kids and finally the baby, who dies in his arms from being in the lake too long, and he blacks out and wakes up in the hospital with a bunch of broken ribs from psycho-brother trying to restart his heart, since he almost died too. Now he's crying really hard, and tells me that he goes to sleep every night still seeing the face of the baby he couldn't save. (Um, maybe some therapy is in order?)

Interspersed with these charming stories were moments where he took great offense at my saying "wow," or "oh my God," and he would shoot nastily back with, "Is that all you have to say?!?" And then there were the really random sexual comments, like when he asked me if I had dated anyone since my last big relationship. I said, "yeah, I've been on a few dates," and he says, "oh, so that's what we're calling it now, dates," implying that what he really wanted to know was if I had gotten LAID recently. And he managed to say this with a scary, drunken leer. Right after crying over dead babies.

When I finally decided that as fascinating as this car wreck was to watch I wanted to go home, he proceeds to tell me that he thinks he's too drunk to drive home, and to stare at me expectantly. My response? "Wow, that sucks. Good luck!" and I quickly bolted from the bar.


What a Pig!

I had been dating a guy for a few weeks when he called me at work. I picked up the phone and said, "hello" only to hear pig snorting noises on the other side. I didn't know who it was, and so I hung up the phone. He called right back and admitted it was him, but never gave any explanation as to why he was snorting.

I should have known something was weird with this guy right then, but I kind of ignored it. But the animal noise thing continued. He started leaving messages with just barking or meowing on them. No explanation. I only called him back if he left me a real voice message, since I didn't want to encourage this odd behavior. But it continued.

Then he started doing it in person too. I realized that any time I brought up any subject which made him uncomfortable he'd "change the subject" by imitating some animal. But in general he was a good guy, and I enjoyed his company, so I tried to ignore this weird trait which he seemed to think I'd find endearing.

This culminated about two months into the relationship when I asked him if he'd like for us to be dating exclusively.

"Moo!" He said. "Moo! Moo!"

"I guess not." I said.

And that was the end of that relationship.


Temptations of the Flesh

A nice guy paid for my tickets into a local ball game, and, after I had written to reimburse him, he asked me if I wanted to go out. I wasn't particularly attracted to him, but he'd done me a favor and I figured a night out couldn't hurt. He made a point of telling me over the phone that he was Christian, which I was okay with. I didn't realize just how into his faith he was, however, until we got into his car (which was so old it had a button ignition!) and he popped a tape of ancient hymns on the stereo . . .

So, we went to the beach listening to Georgic chants. Once we were there, he began talking about how dedicated he was to his faith and about how he didn't want a girlfriend, as he was planning on joining a monastery as soon as his SON turned eighteen -- more things I didn't know about.

Finally I asked him, "If you don't want a girlfriend, why did you ask me out?"

He confessed he thought that having female friends would benefit him in his "quest" and that I would be perfect for helping him resist "the temptations of the flesh," as he put it. That was about it for me, I had him take me home. Now when a guy says he's Christian, I try to make sure what he's interested in before I go out with him. . .

--Name Withheld

Police Action

My dating disaster dates back a Zillion years: my graduation party. I ended up with the man of my dreams in the back of my Volkswagen beetle. He was wearing whatever; I was wearing my left boot. The latter had gotten stuck under the drivers seat with my foot in it -- don't ask me why -- and I was trying to free myself, giggling hysterically, when the door of my car opened and a cop jovially said "Goooood Morning!!"

I jumped, kicked out, and knocked the driver's seat of the rail. Meanwhile the cop was heaving the time of his life, as I was naked AND spreadeagled, pinned under the seat. My friend was grinning, as he miraculously was wearing all his clothes and was only slightly disarrayed.

It took us ten minutes to convince the cop to leave, and another twenty minutes to get the seat back on the track. . .


Dating Officer Friendly

I am a law enforcement officer. So, I don't take much nonsense from men. So I knew it was bad news when I agreed to go out for a date with a guy I met... on the job. Actually, on the job as I arrested him! As if that's not ominous enough, he was arrested by me . . . for indecent exposure.

It is a very small town, and I have known this guy by name for a while, so I really felt obliged to take him up on the offer. We met at a local diner two days after I nabbed him. One of the first things that suggested he was a little kooky was that he was wearing a clown suit. I asked him why and he said it was because he was working at a party. But this was totally false, I later learned, he had just worn it because he was too broke to get any other clothes after we released him. He had gone straight to the Salvation Army in his county jail suit and the clown costume was all they could offer him.

The next thing I realized was crazed was that he ordered 2 dinners, at the same time. At this point I seriously questioned if he had any money to pay... I asked, not to be rude, and he just opened his mouth and told me his gold fillings were worth at least 34 bucks.

I had gotten about enough, and I was ready to leave cash on the table and run out when I realized he had defecated in my food while I was in the restroom. Really. This was certainly grounds for arrest. I stood up and told him that the date was over and he was to address me not by my first name but as an officer.

A disastrous date, yes, but another criminal off the streets.

--Name Withheld

Kid Stuff

I met a guy online, and we decided to meet so we made a date at a nearby theater. Besides that fact that his picture looked NOTHING like him. . . he was odd. Reminded me of the guy in the movie Sling Blade.

So, we go into the movie, sitting near the back. He talked the WHOLE time. About 30 minutes into it, he leans over and says, "So, you wanna have kids, right?" And he wasn't even attempting to whisper. I just nodded. So then he wants to know if I want them "at this age, like, real soon."

I spent the whole rest of the movie thinking of ways to get in my car without his touching me. It was awful. Luckily, I got away with just a handshake. Never again. . .

--Name Withheld

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

The neighbor who lived in the apartment behind me had been lurking around my place for weeks, trying to get me to go out for a drink with him. Finally, I relented. I mean, the guy seemed normal: was a cyclist, worked as an animal specialist at the zoo, was pretty cute... Plus, I hadn't dated since I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago and it was time to get back out there. I figured, what could possibly go wrong?

I walked over to his apartment before the date, and he asked me if I would mind driving, since he'd just had a couple of beers. He didn't seem soused or anything, but I though that was pretty responsible of him.

So, we went to dinner, chatted for a while, and generally had a nice time. During the conversation, he confessed that for the last few years he'd been suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and hadn't gone out much socially because he simply didn't have the energy. He'd really been looking forward to going out with me, and getting reintroduced to social life. The telling of this painful story required consumption of another 2 or 3 beers.

After dinner, we went to a club to dance and listen to music. He downed still more beer, and later whispered to me conspiratorially, "Want a Valium? I brought extras!" I politely refused, but he insisted, so I smiled and slipped it into my pocket saying, "I'll take it later."

After a while he started to look a little green, so I suggest that we step outside for some air. He agreed and grabbed my hand and headed for the door. Just as he pushed the outside door open with his free hand, he passed out stone cold and fell forward onto the bouncer like a ton of bricks, dragging me forward with the vise-like grip of his other hand!

The bouncer managed to lay him down on the ground and pry his hand off of my wrist. A guest who was an off duty paramedic checked him out and suggested that we call an ambulance. We were close enough to the hospital that I decided to drive him myself, so I pulled up the car and they poured him into the passenger seat. He came to a few seconds later and protested madly when I told him that we were en route to the ER.

He said that he just needed to sleep it off, and that I should take him home. I reluctantly agreed, but told him that I would just wait with him for awhile, feed him coffee and make sure he didn't expire or something! Finally I got him home, hauled him up the stairs, plunked him down on the couch and took a good look at the place where this character lived.

Now picture this: at least 13 tropical birds flying all over the place, crapping on the furniture and squawking like crazy; a sink containing at least a month's worth of dirty dishes; and two recycling bins -- one full of Mountain Dew cans, and the other full of empty Schaefer's beer cans. I perched on the arm of a chair and talked to him for about an hour, until I was convinced that he wasn't going to die, and then gathered myself to go home.

It was at that moment that he moved toward me, licked his lips, and said the unthinkable: "Gosh, I was hoping that you would spend the night. We were hitting it off so well..."

Can I pick them or what????

-- Julie

Close Encounters of the Bad Date Kind

My Junior year of High School I agreed to go out with a friend of mine - he should have remained just that and nothing more. I really didn't want to go, but was polite and gave him a chance. We decided to go the relatively tame route and just go see a movie.

We got to the movie theater where 99.9% of the movies actually sounded good and worth seeing. The date, though, wanted to see the one movie that just made my stomach turn. No negotiations, case closed. As we got up to the window, my date paid for his ticket and walked away, leaving me to pay for a ticket to a movie that I don?t want to see. For the first time in my life, I actually brought along enough money for cab fare should I truly need an escape. The thought of leaving was pretty attractive.

But I paid anyway and entered the theater to find him standing at the concession waiting for me. He asked me what I wanted to eat, to which I replied that I wasn't hungry. He then said, "Oh, all girls eat at movies." So, to shut him up, I told him I'd have a box of raisinettes. He told the guy at the concession stand that I wanted raisinettes and walked away.

So I paid for the candy that I don't want to eat, and went off to find him in the theater playing the movie I don't want to watch, calculating in my head how much money I had left for cab fare.

Thank goodness they play those memorable movie scene slides before the previews start. Otherwise we would have had to come up with conversation on our own ? not that his conversation was much better. A scene from some Star Trek movie flashed up and he proceeded to relay the entire ridiculous plot. Then they showed an ad for a movie about alien abduction.

He spilled his guts about how he's been abducted by aliens.

You know, at that point, I sort of believed him.

After the movie the guy actually suggested going parking! I mumbled an excuse about having to be up early and that I should really get home. Back at my house, I tried to make a quick and painless escape but he stopped me with, "Don't I at least get a hug good-bye?" I hugged him and said I had an "interesting time."

"Oh admit it, it sucked," he replied.

Ok, I admit it.


A Man in Uniform

Years ago, I agreed to go on a blind date to the movies with one of my brother's old friends. When he showed up at my house, I opened the door to what seemed like a time warp. He was wearing his Army dress uniform. I couldn't believe it I mean, these aren't the 1950s!

Maybe I was being dramatic, but I just thought it was strange. He asked if I wanted to go to a theater or a drive-in. To avoid being seen (or to give him the opportunity to live out his 1950s fantasy) I opted for the drive-in. On the way there he sang he favorite tune - the Green Beret theme.

At the drive in, I kid you not, he whistled at the girls walking by the car. I sat so close to the car door, Ford was imprinted on my arm for weeks after. I don't even remember the movie.

My brother had the last laugh, he knew this guy was a creep. He just didn't tell me till later. Never date your brother's friends.

--Name Withheld

Dr. Dolittle

I am an avid dater and am quite familiar with generally accepted norms of dating protocol. My choices of whom I date however, show a lack of common sense -- or psychic intuition!

So it's 20 minutes into the New Year and we arrived back at his place after attending two parties. I met this guy on an Internet dating service two days prior and things seemed to be just great!

We were both exhausted from having stayed up together all night the night before. We sat on the couch and he turned his back to me and proceeded to talk to his cat. He apologized to the cat for not being there for it at midnight and verbalized various other sweet-nothings. I sat there for a good two or three minutes letting them have their "private time". What the hell was the matter with this guy?

I eventually felt so uncomfortable that I asked him if there was anything I could do to entertain myself. He abruptly got up, headed to the bathroom and emerged holding a box of dental floss. He broke off a long thread then handed me the box and said, "Let's floss."

He sat back down on the couch and proceeded to floss at the cat.

So I?m sitting there holding this box of floss thinking, "This is not my life. Would the real life please stand up?" I sat there in bewilderment for another couple of minutes.

Then I spoke up, "I can't let flossing be the first thing I do in the New Year even as important as I think dental hygiene is." He pow-wowed with the cat for another three minutes ? I swear he was asking advice -- and concluded that we should all call it a night.

Again, another rotten over-hyped New Year's that ends in utter disbelief of the possibility that people like this are walking amongst the unsuspecting public!


The Double Date

I have been on some truly mortifying dates but I think this one qualifies for the absolute worst.

My mother had a friend at work who always talked about her only -- and close to perfect -- child: a son, in his early twenties, handsome, smart, talented, creative and best of all available! As luck would have it, I was to be home from college on a weekend when "wonder boy" would be around and the two mothers conspired to set us up on a blind date.

We were going to dinner and I dressed in excited anticipation of our meeting. At 7:00 sharp ?Andy? pulls up in front of the house. I'm watching out the window and so far so good -- he's dressed well, on time, etc. Introductions are made all around and we leave to get in the car. As I get in the front seat, I notice a small figure sitting in the shadows in back.

Andy would like to introduce me to his close friend Chester -- who happens to be a ventriloquist's dummy.

The rest of the evening was spent with Chester acting as our go between. He came to the restaurant with us, ordered food and made lively conversation. I had to draw the line when Chester and Andy suggested dancing after dinner. The evening was a near religious experience, with me praying continually that we would not run into anyone I knew.

Arriving home, the "boys" walked me to the door and proceeded to argue over who got to kiss me goodnight while I quietly slipped into the house and slammed the door in their faces.

--Name Withheld

Got Milk?

I was recently asked out on a date by a total hunk ? I mean, this guy made me weak in the knees. I was so nervous about making conversation with him on our fist date, that I suggested we check out a visiting short film festival. At least that way, all I would have to say every so often would be, "That was good." Surely I could handle that.

Before we sat down for the films, Paul bought me a cappuccino, which I finished in about 5 minutes. After the 2 hour screening, there was a reception where we met the directors, met some of the actors, and mingled with the crowd.

Then I told my date I needed to go to the ladies room. When I got there, I nearly died of embarrassment when I looked in the mirror and saw a ring of cappuccino froth and chocolate across the bridge of my nose! I couldn't believe the #@*! let me sit through 2 hours of movie watching and crowd mingling and not tell me about it! Needless to say, I never saw him again!


Static Cling or Quickie Fling?

One night I went out to a club with a friend of my father's. He's a much older man, but I enjoy his company and we go out on the town every once in a while. Anyway, we were out having cocktails and a drink was spilled on my pants. We had planned to go out to a busy restaurant after drinking to get something to eat. I suggested that we swing by my house first so I could change.

Being a little buzzed up, I wasn't paying much attention to what I was doing. I ran into the house quickly to throw on a pair of dry pants and ran back to the car.

We finally got to the restaurant and it was packed with people I knew including parents of some of my friends. As a walked across the restaurant to our table, I noticed people kind of staring at me. I didn't know what the problem was until I got to my seat.

'Are they yours?' my father's friend asked. He pointed to a pair of underwear that were sticking to my pants on the outside.

I wanted to die as I crawled under the table. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I guess everyone thought I just had a quickie and forgot to put my underwear back on. I use downy in my rinse water at all times now to avoid static cling!

-- Cheryl

Three's a Crowd

I had an affair with a married man. I know, I know, it's wrong, it's a betrayal of my fellow womankind, these things only end in disaster, but nevertheless, I did it.

We worked at the same company, so we had a lot of opportunity to be together on the road. Our office was in Manhattan and I lived there, but he lived in the suburbs. So he'd come over to my place after work a lot and stayed over a fair amount, telling his wife he had to work late and was crashing at the company apartment in the city. The only person in my life who knew about us was my roommate.

From the start he told me he would leave his wife, but for one reason or another kept putting it off (she was sick, their son was having problems in school, etc., etc.) For four torturous years this went on, then, finally, he told me he was leaving her. He called me at work and asked me to meet him for a drink to talk about what this meant for us and our relationship. I couldn't have been happier, and nearly ran the few blocks to the bar. When I entered, he was sitting at a table and my roommate was there with him. In my excitement, I only thought this was a nice gesture to show how fully he was planning to join my life. When I sat down, the two of them told me that they had been together for over a year and were getting married.

He had left his wife for my roommate.

--Name Withheld

An Ex By Any Other Name

I had been dating this guy Brad for several months, when I went to visit him in Boston. (I lived an hour and a half away.) He picked me up at the bus station with two other people in the car, his roommate John whom I'd met before and a woman I'd never met named Catherine.

I got into the front seat and we drove off to dinner. Periodically throughout the night Brad would refer to Catherine as "Cathy" and she would quickly correct him: "Catherine," she'd say emphatically. As we drove home from dinner and this happened for the umpteenth time, I finally turned around to look at her and said, "Oh, Brad's just calling you Cathy because he has this ex-girlfriend named Cathy. This horrible woman who just can't get over him and still thinks that maybe they'll get married someday and so she calls up at all hours of the night crying and trying to win him back even though he's dating me. He keeps telling her he's not interested, and she just won't get the message. What a loser. I mean she's got to get on with her life!" People were pretty silent after my outburst, and a few minutes later we dropped John and Catherine off.

At which point Brad turns to me and says: "Um, that WAS Cathy."

Turns out, she'd really wanted to meet me and he'd agreed to this stupid plan of inviting her out under a "pseudonym."

Hey, she deserved it. . .


Vegetarians and Beefy Guys

I woke up recently after a night out drinking with the girls with a bit of a headache and not much memory of the evening. But I found all of my receipts and bar tabs and chalked it up to a good night -- until 5:00 o'clock rolled around and my phone rang. "Carl? Ummmm . . .yes . . . I met you last night? We talked? I gave you my number? Hmm?" My dilemma was this: was he in fact some hot stud I had been eyeballing or was he just some guy I wanted off my back and so I gave him my number to make him go away? If it was the latter I would have probably given him my digits with a wrong number or two thrown into the mix, so that leaves the former. I guess I really dug this stud. I went with it and set up a date.

The week went along and Friday night we were to meet. I met him there since I like to have my own get-away car. I was early and had the host seat me somewhere I could keep the whole bar and restaurant in view and assess the situation. About five minutes later in walks a very buff, beefy-like character. Like he had ham hocks strapped on his thighs. Let's just say I am a vegetarian, both in my food consumption and in my taste for men. This was surely the wrong guy! There must be some mistake! The man dwarfed Arnold and made a mockery of Sylvester! I mean, this man was huge. He sat down and I tried to be pleasant and not stare because his tree trunk neck is bigger than my waist.

We order food and he orders the T-bone. I usually don't care when people eat meat in front of me, but for some reason it did this time. Maybe it's because this Carl ended up being a total perv. With every bite of carnage, out spewed some sexual comment. "So, where do you like to have sex?" Bite. "What's your favorite thing to do to a guy?" Bite. Was this guy really asking me this? I tried to laugh it off and told him I didn't think it was appropriate to be talking this candidly about sex on a first date. He said he thought people were too conservative about sex and it would be best if people just opened up. Bite. In with the carnage, out with the garbage. This was the date from hell. I ate my pasta primavera as fast as I could and told him I was feeling ill and had to go home.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you. My car broke down yesterday, so I had my roommate drop me off here. Would you mind taking me home?" What the hell is the purpose of the get-away car if you have to drive them home? Fine, Fine I said, but we must leave NOW.

But the drive home was the worst part. On the 15 minute drive home he just stared at my breasts and told me I was blessed with "great curves" -- and he thought he could get away with it because he had a drippy smile on face when he said it. We finally arrived at his house but Paul Bunyon wouldn't leave my car. He just kept staring. "I had a great time . . ." Stare. "Do you think I can have a kiss?" Stare. Is he for real? Why don't guys read body language? My whole body is facing the driver-side door and he wants a freaking kiss? After 20 minutes of telling him he had to leave, I finally got the oaf out of my car.

A lesson to you girls . . . a 10 at 2, is a 2 at 10.

--Name Withheld

Boyfriend Brings Back More Than a Ring From Exotic Vacation

A friend of mine, whom we'll call Kristin, moved to Boston with her boyfriend from college, Jim. After a few years of living together she started hinting around that it was time to make a bigger commitment. So it was that she was very psyched when Jim came back from a two week vacation to Venezuela with a beautiful diamond ring. He asked her to marry him and she said yes. Called up her parents, told them, the whole shebang.

Several days later, Kristin gets a phone call at home. A woman with a heavy Spanish accent asks for Jim. Kristin said he wasn't there, and Miss Spanish Accent asks who she is.

"I'm his girlfriend," said Kristin. "NO!" came back the answer. "I'M his girlfriend."

Turns out, Jim had brought back from South America a diamond ring AND a 17 year old Venezuelan girl he had holed up in a motel down the street.

Jim came home that day to find both women sitting in the living room waiting for him. What he was thinking nobody knows to this day, since Kristin only spoke to him long enough to run outside and throw her new ring into the depths of the Charles river.

Postscript: Jim married the Venezuelan, and Kristin has found someone she adores who's a lot more trustworthy. . .


A trip to a transvestite club wasn't the first date our heroine had in mind.

I met this guy in a bar and had a great time talking all night. When he called for a date, I was pretty excited. He told me to think of something I'd like to do, and I decided that either the movies or a comedy show would be a good idea for a first date. Apparently, my guy had other ideas . . . He said movies "suck" and that comedy shows are "stupid". He had ME pick HIM up and said we were going to grab something to eat. Where we ended up was at a sub shop where, instead of letting me get my own sub, he offered me a bite of his ham and cheese. I declined. I was thinking that this really wasn't going well, but I couldn't possibly have had an idea of how much worse it was going to get. He told me I would absolutely LOVE the place he was taking me.

We arrived in front of a bar that is infamous for it's Goth interior and transsexual clientèle. Suddenly, a man in fishnets and a mini-skirt approached me for a dance, which my date got very excited about. At that point, Mr. Mini-Skirt was more appealing than my date, but I turned down the dance, and just wanted to go home. My date then wanted to take me to eat again, and we went to a little diner. He told me he wanted steak tips & eggs, but didn't want to order them both, so he wanted ME to order steak tips, and he'd just pick them off my plate. Which he did with fervor when the food arrived. Finally, I dropped him off, and laughed the whole way home about what a comedy of horrors had occurred.

He called just yesterday looking to take me out again . . . I didn't pick up the phone.


Speedy Getaway

After the "drought" -- a time during which I decided not to play the field -- I agreed rather reluctantly to let two work friends of mine, Mary and Sean, set me up with Sean's roommate. The only thing I knew about him was that he was 5'11", and I'm 6'1" -- that didn't make me too happy, but hey. For the man of my dreams we could work around it.

One fateful Sunday, I answered the phone only to find Mary saying, "Enough of your foolishness. This is Tony, now talk." After a bit of awkwardness, something of a conversation emerged. Tony seemed a bit unrefined, but a genuinely nice guy.

When he asked me how old I was, I replied truthfully that I was 18. When I asked him, he said he was between 22 and 30. Um, OK. He claimed to be a semi-tall Italian type, with a slightly receding hairline, although not quite as receding as, say, Nicolas Cage.

I agreed to meet him out (mostly to stop the harassment from my friends) a couple days later. His car was in the shop, so I had to pick him up (in hindsight, this was a good thing). As I drove to his house on the night of our date, I had visions of a 5'11 Nic Cage -- not bad.

I spotted Sean outside and he waved me over to their apartment, which was in the middle of the "hood." We went inside and there was Tony, dressed to the nines (or so he thought) in thick gold chains and clothes that only look good worn by Will Smith in 'Men In Black'. Then I noticed his rather large bald spot (he must be closer to the 30 end of the age range he gave me). He wasn't exactly 5'11 either, more like 5'9 in platform sneakers.

We left his apartment and got on the road. Rather abruptly, he told me to turn. Somewhat surprised I found myself in the parking lot of a sports bar. Inside, we talked a bit before he ordered the special, meat loaf, for the both of us. We ate in silence, except for the sound of Tony shoveling food in his mouth.

He literally bent his head over his plate, giving me a full frontal bald spot view, and shoved the food in his mouth. After complaining about everything from the food, to the place, to the waiter, to the guys who held the door open for me, Tony decided we needed ice-cream. (Please, no more!) He directed us to an ice cream parlor where he ridiculed a large woman who came in for ice-cream, the pimply guy-behind-the-counter, and pretty much everything else. (Someone save me!)

I finally asked why he had moved back to Florida. Turns out he had spent two years in jail for drug dealing, plus doing some illegal financial work. He was not 22 or even 30. He was 34. And he hadn't had a car in years. He had moved down here because his old finance buddies offered him his old job back. "The Feds are watching us," he confided.

After dropping him off and enduring another 15 minutes of excruciating small talk, I pleaded an early morning meeting and told him I'd call him if I decided the age thing wasn't a factor (read: jerk factor). An evening like that is enough to make any girl glad to be single, with a car for a speedy getaway.

-- J

The Gaydar Experiment

Back in college, I met this guy who had gone to high school with one of my friends at a party. We spent a lot of time together talking that night and hit it off pretty well -- he seemed nice, smart and together. After going out on several dates, I respected the fact that he had never once tried to kiss me or even hold my hand, but a little alarm went off in my mind.

One night, we were talking on the phone and told me about the guy at the CD store who had flirted with him earlier that day. At first, I didn't see anything wrong with that; he's an attractive guy. But, then he proceeded to tell me that this sort of thing happened all the time. I started to get a bit suspicious.

Then he asked me, "When you first met me, did you think I was gay?" a Of course, I didn't think he was gay! Why would I have agreed to go out with him in the first place? Then he tells me that he's been trying to figure out whether or not he's gay and that I had been a test for him.

I was in such shock that I avoided his phone calls for months. As a matter of fact, I never talked to him again. I know it's not the most mature thing to do, but I felt used and a bit hurt. Dating me helps a guy figure out that he doesn't like women?

My friend who introduced us lived across the hall from me and when I asked her about it, her response was that she'd been wondering for years if he was gay. It took me a while to talk to her again, too.

Turns out his little experiment worked. The guy now exclusively dates men.

-- Name Withheld

It's a Dog's Life

He was the quintessential American guy: tent, truck, dog and a beer. Traveling through the Rockies alone, I couldn't do anything but appreciate it when he drove up with those unbelievable blue eyes, parked in the campsite next to mine and offered an evening of fire-roasted corn, stars and a cold Sierra Nevada. When morning came, we hiked to a series of hot springs with his little white mutt prancing up and down the trail, ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and skinny-dipped.

For the next three days we knocked around the wilderness playing. Alas, we had to get back into town and headed toward Salt Lake City. The drive was interrupted every 50 minutes to "let Max stretch his legs." We could only stop at McDonalds for lunch and dinner because "Max" liked Quarter Pounders better than Whoppers or Wendy's, never mind I detest McDonald's almost as much as I detest mayonnaise. Oh, Max, of course, is the dog.

After making a 6-hour drive a 12-hour ordeal, we finally found ourselves smuggling Max into a Best Western. When the dog decided he would get my bed and started pushing and nipping, I'd had enough and picked the dog up and tossed him into the bathroom. At which point, American blue eyes howled and demanded to know what was wrong with me. "I'm sorry, but I can't hang with you any more . . . this is over . . . you're jealous of my dog!"

So, at four am, I found myself packing up, getting my own room and vowing to supply my own fire roasted corn and beer in the future. I guess psychos can lurk behind blue eyes.


And the Bride Wore White

I've had plenty of my own dating disasters, but I think I caused the best one after I got engaged. It was my bachelorette party, and I was out with a bunch of friends. As is the way with such things we proceeded to get pretty hammered and I was tackling a long list of "tasks" I'd been assigned for the evening. I'd already tackled the easy things such as getting a kiss from our waiter, getting some guy to hand over his underwear, and getting someone at the bar to sing "here comes the bride." Now it was on to the tough stuff. I had a handful of things to do that needed a willing male participant. We saw two guys standing next to each other and the lot of us approached them.

They're psyched to see all these women and start joking around with us. Then two women walk over, scowl at us, and the guys snap to attention--turns out they're with these two. The guys go back to talking to their dates, and we walked away. A little bit later one of the guys comes over and talks to us some more.

"I'm sorry we made you get in a fight with your girlfriend," I said.

"Oh, she's not a girlfriend. It's a first date," he answers. "It's also our last." Right then, his date walks over and says, "If you even care, I'm going to the bathroom." The moment she's gone he announces he's willing to be the guinea pig for some of the tasks. He volunteered for the tough job of using his navel as a holder for a body shot. Two of my girlfriends support him as he leans backwards, another friend pours some tequila into his belly button and I lap it up.

It is, of course, at exactly this point that our hero's woman comes back from the ladies room. He jumps up and starts wiping alcohol off his bare stomach. He looked like someone who'd been caught in the act of cheating--which, ok, he kind of was--and stammers what was clearly the first thing he could think of: "Where've you been? I've been looking for you everywhere!" Yeah, "everywhere," like the ceiling his eyes focused on as he lay back for a body shot.

"I told you I was going to the bathroom!" she said. She grabbed her purse, and walked out of the bar. He tried to follow her . . . but um, I couldn't get the key out to un-handcuff him from my arm fast enough. Hey, it was on my list--I had to be handcuffed to him for ten minutes. It's not my fault their date didn't work out. Really.


Deficit Points

I had just moved to Brooklyn when a friend set me up on a blind date. I scheduled a date with this guy, but he canceled on me because he sprained his ankle. Once it was healed he called and we set up an afternoon to meet. He drove over to my house, and said that since he was doing rehab on his ankle, he wanted to strengthen it up, and he'd like to walk into Manhattan. Now it's a good long walk over the bridge into Manhattan from my house, but it was a nice day, so I figured what the hell.

We start walking and he asks me where we're going to go for dinner. I say that I hadn't really thought about it, but we could just stop and find a place when we got hungry.

Conversation stopped. In a dramatic movement that would have been accompanied by a trumpet fanfare in the movies, he swings his head up to the heavens and says to the sky: "Has trouble making plans. Disorganized. Negative points." I couldn't believe he'd just said this and I couldn't tell if he was serious or joking or what. For all I know the guy has Tourette Syndrome, right? So I ignore it and keep talking.

A little later I comment on the weather and say, "Wow, it's sure hot as hell out here." Ok maybe I cursed slightly more. Again, he swings his head up to the sky and says: "Inappropriate use of the English language. Unnecessary swearing. Negative points." Now, I'm beginning to think he's a bit freaky.

Over dinner (yes, I managed to be organized enough to get us to a restaurant) it happens again. I turned down his suggestion of ordering a bottle of red wine, and ordered a beer instead. He looked up at the restaurant ceiling: "Doesn't drink wine. Negative points."

"What are you doing?" I asked. "I mean are you trying to joke, or are you being serious or what?? Because if you're serious I'm just going to leave right now." We ended up getting in a huge argument, and in the cab ride home he commented that the evening hadn't quite gone as planned and perhaps we should just shake hands and go our separate ways. I agreed and we rode in silence for a while.

"Except I brought you a gift." He said. "I brought you this incredibly romantic and creative gift. The most creative thing I've ever come up with, and so I think I should probably just give it to you."

"Fine." I said. When we got back to my house, he goes to the trunk of his car and pulls out his phenomenally creative gift: a box made out of chocolates with chocolate candies inside. Some creativity, huh?

I said good night, walked over to the trashcan where I threw out his chocolates as he watched, and went into my house. I never heard from him again.


The Three Hour Tour

OK, so last summer I was kind of having a dry spell. I hadn't been on a date in quite a while and always the good friend that she is, when a college friend of Jessica's mentioned that he needed a date to his annual summer office party, she volunteered me. I had once seen a picture of him in one of those silly sorority collages of hers and said he was cute. All hail to Jessica for remembering.

So the next thing I know I'm on the phone making plans with Jake the Dream Date. In his company's attempt to be culturally neutral, their big annual bash takes place in the summer rather than during the "year end holiday season" (or whatever). That year they rented a big awesome party boat that was going to take us on an all night dinner and dancing floating fiesta. It sounded fun and out of the ordinary. It sounded like it had romantic potential. I was psyched.

The party was on a Friday night, and cruise was to leave the port promptly at 8:00 p.m. Jake the Dream Date said he'd pick me up at my office around 6:30 so that we could have a drink before hand and then head to the docks. At about 4:30 he called from somewhere so loud I could barely make out what he was saying.

"KYLIE," yelled a male voice.

"Um, yeah?" I answered, shielding the receiver from the guy in the next cube.


"Doesn't after work usually start around 5:00 or so?"

"KYLIE, CAN YOU COME AND PICK ME UP? I'VE HAD A COUPLE BEERS." Mind you that I'm giving the condensed version of the conversation here. The real conversation used up a whole lot more "Huh?"s. To make our long conversation short, I'm a work, he's drunk and a half a city away, and no I can't come and pick him up.

We finally decided that I would meet Jake the Dream Date at the docks at 7:30 so we'd be on time to make the cruise. When I got to the pier I waited and waited and saw no sign of Jake the Dream Date. I started thinking . . . were we supposed to meet on the boat? At our table? On the dock? Where the heck had we decided to meet? I had been running a little bit late, so maybe he went on board to look for me. So I decided to board to see if I could find any sign of him. As I was trying to make my way to the seating chart I heard a loud horn sounding.

Yes. Jake the Dream Date or no, we were shoving off.

So here I am sequestered with boat full of strangers for the rest of the night. Always the one to look on the bright side of things, I realized I was also on a boat full of free liquor and I headed to the bar. I figured if Jake the Dream Date were on the boat, sooner or later he'd show up there.

Jake the Dream Date did not show up there, but let me tell you who did.

As I was making friends with the bartender (and his friend Jose Cuervo) a hot guy saddles up next to me. To make another long story short (actually this is convenient seeing how I don't remember most of the story), this hot guy who obviously had interest in me was some young computer whiz kid and founder of the company. Jake the Dream Date's boss.

Many drinks and dances later we arrive at the port to dock for the night. As Boss Man and I were getting off the boat together, I noticed a mass of human passed out on the dock. It was Jake the Dream Date. What a trouper -- he made it after all. Boss Man, being responsible for his benefits package and all, had some guys get him home. In the mean time, Boss Man offered me some benefits, too. He asked met out again, and we've been dating ever since.

Jake Schmake.

Last Fling Before the Ring

This guy that I actually liked called me up one afternoon and invited me to go out with him to a coffee house and then a nightclub after.

I got all excited and rushed around looking for something good to wear and went to meet him. We spent the early evening drinking coffee and chatting with the various other people in the coffee house who he knew already because this place was his regular hangout.

A girl was sitting on the other side of the room and he threw a little rubber band at her to get her attention. She smiled and giggled and came over and joined us. The three of us were talking for a good while and he invited her to come out to the nightclub with us. She said yes but went home to change and would meet us again in an hour or so.

After she left I asked him how long he'd known her, and he said he didn't know her at all . . . just met her just then.

Hmm. He's a friendly guy, isn't he?

Well, the three of us went out to the club where she and I sat ourselves down on barstools. He proceeded to spend the rest of the evening groping her on the barstool right next to me.

I probably should have got up and moved, but hey . . . I sat there first. So instead of politely excusing myself, I called strangers over and told them my story so they could witness it as it was going on.

I pretty much figured by this time that I was no longer on a date and had written this guy off in my mind. But just before the club closed he somehow ditched the other girl and as we were both exiting the building, he motioned to me as if I was supposed to be going home with him.

I told him there's no way in hell I'd go home with him after that and he gave me the big sad puppy dog eyes and acted as if he honestly didn't know what he had done to make me so angry with him. I went home without looking back.

I'd like to say the story ended here. But it doesn't.

He spent the next two weeks turning up everywhere I went and looking at me with the sad eyes until I actually felt sorry enough for him I agreed to go out with him again (Yes, I know, I know. Not the smartest thing). We went out another time and all went well. After our date (like an hour AFTER OUR DATE), he publicly announced his engagement to yet another girl!

I didn't go out with him again after that.

-- Name Withheld

West Coast Rap

I had been corresponding with a guy on the West Coast for about five months before I finally made the trip to meet him. The initial pen friendship was incredibly great for the ego. He was charming, witty and seemed to be the type of guy that I couldn't seem to meet in my own city. The fact that he was a friend of a close girlfriend made it all seem safer.

But there were some hard spots that we hit. First, he mentioned that he was being stalked by an ex-girlfriend who also happened to be one of his employees. It got very dramatic--she would follow him around town, he would confide in me how upset he was about their relationship, the situation would be resolved, and he would profess his affections for me. Then he became hot and cold and I declared the ultimatum: make up your mind or let's forget about this.

He finally convinced me to book a flight to go and see him so that we could decide whether a "real" relationship could take place away from the phone and the computer.

Such a foolish, foolish girl that I was.

Of course, what he never did reveal in complete honesty to me was the fact that he was courting another women who lived in his town. On what was supposed to be one of our Friday nights together with his friends, he brought along this young girl--never once properly telling me that we were both "rivals" for his attentions. When I forced the issue, he sheepishly admitted that this other woman was someone whom he had "short-listed" as someone for dating purposes.

So what the hell was I? The pinch-hitter?

As I got to know him during my visit, I took relief in knowing that there were too many things that this guy never told me. At least I got to find out now before it was too late. He never told me that he had this gorgeous Belgium Shepherd dog that he never properly walked during the day -- poor thing was caged in the backyard all the time. He never told me that he wore brilliant white knee socks with sandals and shorts. He never told me that he liked to laugh and clap his hands like a trained seal during public dramatic performances. I got off lucky.

I never hear from this frog again and eventually forgave my girlfriend too for thinking that this was a potential Prince Charming in wait. At least I have a good story to share about meeting online blind dates.

-- Name Withheld

How To Get Out of a Date

This happened to me when I was in college, and to be honest I don't come out looking all that well in it. . . This guy Rob had asked me out and I said yes, even though I knew I didn't want to. On the night we were supposed to go out, I didn't exactly take the high road -- I couldn't bring myself to go out with him, but I couldn't tell him that either.

So instead I hid. I didn't answer the phone all day and I stayed out of my dorm room. I hung out upstairs with my friend Nicole. Sure enough, that evening he comes over to my dorm and starts asking everyone where I am. He knocked on my dorm room door and my roommate said she (truthfully) didn't know. But someone else in the hall decided to tell him I might be up at Nicole's.

He knocked on her door. It was a small room and there was nowhere to hide, so I jumped up and stood behind the door as she opened it.

"Do you know where Jane is?" Rob asked. Nicole said she didn't, maybe I was down the hall. But apparently he was no dummy: he pushed past her and looked behind the door to see me smooshed up against the wall trying to disappear. The jig was up and I felt awful.

But he just said: "Oh! There you are! Are you ready?" I said yes, told him I had to grab my purse, and went out on the date. He acted as if nothing was weird at all.

Guys just don't pick up on even the most obvious of signals do they??


The Most Romantic Thing

It was my senior year of college and I had met this guy (I can't remember his name, let's call him Chris) at a party where I think I was probably drunk. Chris was probably drunk, too, as this was college, but he managed to remember my phone number and ask me out. We went to the movies. I remember thinking that he was a little cheap because he didn't ask me if I wanted any popcorn or soda when we got into the theater. But I guess that's neither here nor there, given the rest of the story.

The movie went fine, but when we left the theater, the windows on his car were all frozen over. February in State College, PA, can be quite cold. So he proceeds to get out some sort of spray which is supposed to eliminate the ice build-up, but he sprays it on the INSIDE of the car windows. I ask him, PLEAD with him, to spray the OUTSIDE of the windows, but he insists that his way is correct. Well, we get in the car and he CRANKS up the heat, because it is cold, and because he is trying to defrost the windows so he can see. He drives half of the way back without being really able to see (luckily, I survived), and I am choking from the fumes created by the spray he put on the inside of the windows.

When we get to my place, I'm not self-confident enough to know that I can leave him in the car and go inside, so I invite him in. As soon as we get into my apartment, the cheap bastard asks if I have any microwave popcorn, and so I make him some. He eats like a regular caveman and soon there are little pieces of popcorn all over his face, his clothes, and my carpet. Eewwww.

He hangs around to watch TV and totally overstays his welcome. When he goes to the bathroom, I decide to send him a signal that it's time to leave by lying on the couch and pretending to be asleep. This is no problem for him when he returns, as he sits on the floor in front of the couch, right in front of my head, with his back resting against the couch. He talks to me and I pretend to be really sleepy.

That's when it happened. He turned around, looked up at me, and said the most romantic thing any man has ever said to me in my entire life. He said . . .

"I can see up your nose."

-- Name Withheld

Dating Etiquette

Here is my dating disaster, or more like the date from hell. I went out for the first time in a couple of years since I got divorced. My date didn't say much, but he sure had touching down to an art. I asked him to keep his hands to himself until we knew each other better, but he took it badly. He told me I was from the stone ages because I wouldn't let him touch me as much as he wanted to.

He then came back by telling me I talked too much and laughed too much. I always thought a first date was for getting to know one another and talk was, you know, necessary. Obviously, Mr. Octopus didn't agree.

We weren't made for each other, but I figured I'd make it through the date and never talk to him again. No such luck -- half way through dinner, he went to the bathroom and never came back.

Now, I am a little rough around the edges when it comes to dating, but I've got to think that wasn't exactly polite . . .

-- Name Withheld

The Prom from Hell

I wasn't going to go to my senior prom. But then, a few weeks before the prom, I started dating Tom (a/k/a "Tom the Prom Date"). Tom seemed really nice at first and I had a lot of fun with him, so I decided to ask him to the prom. Unfortunately, in the ensuing weeks, my feelings for Tom grew less and less amorous and more and more nauseous. But I was committed to going with him (i.e., I had already paid for the tickets), so go I would.

I should have had an idea of the night to come when Tom asked me for a swatch from my dress so he could match his bow tie and cummerbund. I told him that I did not want to be Geranimals at the prom, but he insisted. Unfortunately, I had bought an ugly electric blue dress (hey -- it was the eighties!), so he had an ugly electric blue bow tie and cummerbund.

As the day of the prom approached, I was less and less excited about going. Then - it all started. It's about 3pm on the day of the prom and I get a call from Tom that goes something like this:

Me: Hello?
Him: [My name here]? It's Tom. I'm at the hospital.
Me: What are you doing at the hospital?
Him: I went through a plate glass door at school today and I have a mild concussion and I'm getting 9 stitches in my forehead.

Well, because I am a bad person, I was not worried about Tom, nor saddened by his calamity. I was overcome with joy -- here was my out! I didn't have to go to the prom with Tom the Prom Date anymore! More conversation:

Me: Oh, gee, that's too bad. I guess you won't be able to go to the prom tonight, then...
Him: No! Of COURSE I'm going to go! I wouldn't miss it for the world! I may be a little late picking you up, though. And, because I can't drive, my parents are going to drive us. That's OK, right?
Me: Oh, no, Tom. You're hurt. You need your rest. I totally understand. You should really stay home tonight.
Him: No, I told you I was going to take you to your prom and that's what I'm going to do. Oh -- I've gotta go -- they're ready to put the stitches in -- I'll call you later.

And so it begins. Tom shows up, with his parents in tow, to pick me up. He actually looks pretty good -- except for the BLOODY BAND-AID ON THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD! I ask him about it and he says that the laceration may bleed for a while, but not to worry because he has brought an extra supply of band-aids and will be changing the bandage throughout the evening. That certainly made me feel better -- NOT!

We get to the prom which is held at the Franklin Hotel, a very nice hotel in the city. Tom immediately spies the silverware on the dinner tables and mentions he may want to bring some of it home with him. I told him in no uncertain terms that he may not steal silverware from the Franklin Hotel at my prom. What a classless jerk. It gets worse.

At some point during the evening, we are on opposite sides of the rather large dance floor, and he decides that he wants to dance with me. So he YELLS to me -- across the dance floor -- "ANDREA! COME! DANCE!" I calmly walk around the dance floor to where he is, and quietly let him know that if he EVER yells at me across a room like that, I will take one of those knives which he likes so much and use it to cut his [CENSORED] off. This quiets him for a while. But it gets worse still.

Later in the evening, in the corridor outside the ballroom, Tom the Prom Date decides, again, that he wants to dance with me. He asks. I politely decline. He then starts dragging me across the carpeted floor by my wrists. I am sliding on the heels of my shoes, protesting all the way. I tell him, numerous times, that if he does not let go of me, I am going to hit him. He proceeds to drag me. So I finally get one hand free and slap him across the face. He holds his face in surprise and asks, "What was that for?" Idiot.

The best part of all is that, on the car ride home, after I have convinced him I am too tired and he is too sick to go to any after-prom parties, he opens up his jacket pocket and asks me which one I want -- the salt or the pepper shaker from the Franklin Hotel. I guess I wasn't specific enough when I told him not to steal the SILVERWARE.

Of course, this, the most awful, horrible, night of my life is memorialized in the obligatory prom picture sitting in my parents house -- showing me in my ugly electric blue dress, and Tom in his matching Garanimal tux -- with a very bloody band-aid on his forehead.

-- Name Withheld